5 Easy Ways To Be You Again After Trauma

Apr 05, 2023

If you are a widow or solo mom who has stumbled upon my blog, you have often questioned, “Who am I, and what the hell does life mean, anyway?”

These are the questions of a seeker. Especially after having your entire world flipped upside down by some sort of trauma.

In my case, I have had many extreme incidents of suffering in my lifetime. The worst experience that brought me to my knees was the unexpected passing of my soulmate, my husband, from a freak accident at work. I didn’t know who I was without him, besides becoming a widowed mother.

Since then, I’ve been on this incredible journey learning to connect with who the fuck I am beyond labels of my name, motherhood, widowhood, daughter… I could go on and on, but you get the idea. I’ve picked up many useful tools along the way to guide me into living life again that I’ll be sharing with you here.

My favorite tools I’ve been playing with are an energetic body process called Access Bars, asking questions, and using clearings from Access Consciousness. I think I’m drawn to them because they are fun and easy to use, empowering, match what I’ve been searching for most, and they work. They even created an international holiday called Being You Day!

What does it mean to be you?

One way of perceiving what it’s like to be you is by connecting with your inner kid.

Children are born knowing how to be themselves without judgment. They have that childlike sense of wonder. However, I feel I have been asking who I am since childhood.

My childhood was full of many happy memories, and scary, confusing times. I remember being me as a youngster, having fun, being creative, laughing, and being loud until I was yelled at, bullied, and worse. It wasn’t ok to be myself, so I hid. Conditioning beats u out of you every chance it gets.

Even as an adult, my mind tries to convince me I don’t know who I am or what it means to be me, so that means there is something wrong with me, and I’ve done a lot of work on myself! That heavy feeling that can drag you down if you let it. However, I get glimpses from time to time when my kids are being silly, or when I read a funny-off-the-wall meme, and laugh so hard I almost pee my pants. That is the best kind of playfulness, in my humble opinion.

I notice I have a twisted sense of humor after everything I’ve been through. Can you relate? Rather than seeing that as a wrongness, I’ve learned to embrace that as a strong-ness because whenever I feel that heavy feeling, I know it is a lie. After all, laughter is the best medicine and joy is an act of rebellion!

Asking questions is another way to be you.

Have you ever asked yourself if all the thoughts, stories, and limiting beliefs you’ve been told since birth, that you have used to define you, are true for you? Or is it what your parents, family, and teachers wanted you to know, believe, be, and act like so you could be like them and make them proud? Questions bring more awareness, possibilities, and choices to create change in your life, while statements carry conclusions, complacency, and solidity.

The only exception is inquiring why. Why questions keep you in a vicious circle to nowhere-land. Yet, people are always asking, Why me? There has to be a reason for my suffering, dammit! I’m sure you’ve heard the old everything-happens-for-a-reason speech. (Insert eye roll here)

Hell no! I’d re-write that saying to: Change happens because that is the only constant in life! It took me a long time to realize that just because I found my fairytale happiness, that did not mean I was going to keep it forever and ever. That also means that any unhappiness I’ve found will not always last either.

"Change is the only constant in life."

~ Holly Ruiz

A few questions I ask myself are:

How does it get any better than this?

What else is possible?

Is it possible to be more of me?

What would I choose if I were being me? (This is a brilliant question to ask when you’re having a hard time deciding!)

Who am I being right now? (Great for when you catch yourself being like your parent.)

What if I don’t have to define being me? Is it relevant to my life?

I can tell you after my husband passed, I thought it was significant. Yet, it was sticking me. Trying to label what I was to become and how to raise two children on my own, while everyone was telling me what I should and shouldn’t be doing, how to behave, how to grieve, was exhausting AF!

Let nature show you how to be.

On this planet, is there anything that lives beyond definition and judgment, and doesn’t go into an identity crisis when the shit hits the fan?

Only one, nature. It knows how to be.

Whenever I look up into the magnificent evergreen trees and see the wind blowing them around, various birds perching high and low, squirrels running up and down their trunks, and making nests, I am in awe for I am witnessing the art of allowing.

There is no judgment.

They don’t tell the birds to fuck off and use their branches to slap them out of the sky. (Maybe in Harry Potter.) They bend and sway in the breeze, and sometimes they even break. The seasons change, they lose their leaves, and they adapt. They just be.

What would nature’s energy be like?

The co-founder of Access Consciousness and author of the book Being You Change the World, Dr. Dain Heer, says that being you does not feel like anything. Yet, we freak out when we feel nothing and go into judgment that something is wrong with us even though 99.99% of what we feel doesn’t belong to us in the first place!

Perhaps we could just be like nature instead of thinking about who we are, and trying to fill a void that doesn’t need to be filled.

When you go outside, do you sense you can be your true self with no judgment?

What if you can transfer that non-judgmental space into other situations?

Do you see how you can use questions with everything in life?

Do what brings you joy!

You know when you are doing something you enjoy, and the time just disappears? I believe it’s those moments when you are also being you!

If this seems hard for you now, you can recall what you did for fun as a child for inspiration to get started or look at what your kids do for fun and join them.

Are there hobbies you used to do? What have you always wanted to learn?

I love learning and being creative, so I could spend hours studying new skills, learning how to play the guitar, and drawing or painting.

Spending time with animals is one of my favorite things to do. I always wanted a pony, but never got one. So I found out there was a horse rescue not too far away from where I live and I started volunteering there with my daughter. We get to be out in nature, away from the city, and feed and care for many horses that need some TLC. Caring for animals and volunteering gets me out of my head and into my heart.

Shake it like a polaroid picture!

Movement further helps you free your mind and loosen up to have more of you. It’s just a matter of asking what your body likes to do.

Maybe you’re a runner, a gym junky, or taking a leisurely stroll along the beach is your jam. No matter what you choose, you’ll benefit from those feel-good chemicals that produce a state of well-being, which is your natural state.

For me, it’s dancing and yoga. I could dance all night when the music is fire! I shake off my worries and let it all go on the dance floor. My body also enjoys gentle exercise. Yoga flows are great to help relieve tension, bring awareness to your body and balance to your day. That’s why I love Kundadance because it combines dancing through the chakras with Kundalini yoga, Taichi & Qigong.

What does being you mean to you?

It is possible to know yourself again after trauma or a major life change. There are many ways to discover you, and everyone is different, so take the time to become more aware of the magical difference you are.

If you would love to explore more about being you and consciously creating your best life, book a free heart to heart chat with me to hold space for you to discover what feels light and true for you!